Speaking better does not necessarily lead to being understood better. Often, it leads to the opposite.
Speaking better does not necessarily lead to being understood better. Often, it leads to the opposite.
―
Atrona Grizel
I am standing
only because of pressure, really. If that pressure were removed, I would
collapse, because I carry an identity that I have constructed to withstand
pressure. It is something like this: when both I and the other side apply
pressure, things remain in balance; but if the other side stops applying
pressure, since my own pressure still remains, I topple toward that side. The
chronic physical fatigue, mental dissociation, excessive urge to sleep, and
complete lack of appetite for even the smallest bite that I experience during
“periods of relaxation” stem from this, because I was designed not to enjoy
vacations but to endure war. The profession of a warrior is to fight, but
trying to accustom such a being to idleness and comfort will provoke a backlash
from their nature, because they will be left aimless, with nothing to do in
times of peace.
―
Atrona Grizel
To understand
society, all you need to do is observe a person who does not question. Such a
person absorbs society’s behaviors and thoughts like a sponge, as if designed
for this very purpose, and consequently becomes whatever society is. They are
so transparent that there is not even such a thing as a “self” there, because
they are merely extensions of society; they never approach societal values with
skepticism. For example, if people engage in animalistic tribalism to the point
of stabbing one another over loyalty to football teams, that person becomes
part of it as well. Or if the topics everyone talks about are always concrete
and practical—such as the sex lives of celebrities—then that person joins those
conversations too. As a result of countless such examples, this ordinary
individual eventually turns into a “society machine,” because they do nothing
other than execute what already exists. What stands before them is a narcotic
culture that rewards not inner coherence but external performativity, and that
operates according to a reward–punishment system—one to which primitive brains
automatically adapt merely for pleasure.
―
Atrona Grizel
To be able to
enjoy music, I have to make myself forget that it was created by humans.
―
Atrona Grizel
I will not go to
anyone, because there is no one who attracts me to that extent, and no one will
come to me either, because there is no one who finds me that attractive.
Neither side needs the other, and where there is no need, there is no
connection. If there were no loneliness, there would be no connection. For at
the core of all social relationships lies a fear of loneliness and the silent
signing of an “anti-loneliness solidarity pact.” Even if someone were to come
to me, I would interpret it only as a dependency. At its core, it might even be
an innocent curiosity, but in the end, is that not still being dependent on the
external? The most independent one is the one who does nothing at all. But the
inaction of others does not stem from independence; on the contrary, it arises
from dependence, their dependence on their friends.
―
Atrona Grizel
I have never
encountered anyone in my life.
―
Atrona Grizel
I live a
completely isolated existence, so much so that at times I feel lonely even
within myself, because even I am, at my core, a mechanical biological
apparatus. When I enter a room, for example, my mind reminds me of something it
had forgotten, and this eases my loneliness because my brain reminds me that I
am with myself. Yet even in this I sense a kind of mechanism, because at my
core I am nothing but machine. I have seen how the bodies of dead people relax
by contracting. This essentially shows that even the mere existence of the
brain constitutes a constant indirect pressure on the body. This appeared
extremely animalistic to me and led me to think that the existence of
consciousness might not even be possible. Even the many thinkers who break
patterns, when viewed from the outside, evolve as biological creatures that are
part of the biosphere of a random planet within a void called the universe,
producing such things in a determined way, much like an animal preparing to
mate. Even these different humans are predictable in that sense. And I am
essentially nothing more than that myself.
―
Atrona Grizel
It is impossible
for a state’s constitution to contain “bad” articles, because it is built on
lies. Because it has to be that way. This is a state, and states operate within
lies. At the very least, people who express ideas outside the traditional
framework and do not hesitate to spread them can be imprisoned for the crime of
“inciting hatred among the public and disrupting social harmony.” The state, of
course, will not call this “punishing free thought”; instead, it will always
try to present it as something dangerous, and in line with this, even mental
health systems may be brought into play by labeling the individual as insane.
Because the state cannot say, “I have banned thought.” If it does, it loses the
image it constantly carries of being a “provider of order.”
―
Atrona Grizel
A person’s
preparation for death is due to the knowledge of death, not to the reality of
death itself, because no one learns whether they will die or not until they
die, and when they die, they die without ever having learned it. Those who
receive terminal medical diagnoses, those who carry out suicide attacks, or
those who simply grow old would not prepare for death if they did not possess
this knowledge. What particularly draws my attention is the case of the
elderly, that is, preparation for death as something that occurs naturally,
because here the person is clearly waiting for the end of life and probably
withdraws from everything, setting seriousness aside. This is a kind of
compulsory indifference, belonging to someone who does not have the luxury of
thinking about whether to be serious or not. And the reason for this withdrawal
is a waiting. But in fact they do not know what causes that waiting, because if
they did know, knowing would not be possible, since only the dead know death,
and the dead know nothing because they are dead. Does this not show that life
is an illusion? Just as death cannot be known, life also cannot be known,
because the living ultimately join the ranks of the non-living. Then what is
life, in the most fundamental sense? What is this thing that a person’s eyes
see? What are these words I am pouring out? Are these even my thoughts? How can
all of this exist at all? The answer is simple: they do not exist, but
throughout a lifetime the organism is forced to treat them as if they do, in
order to make them bearable. Why does it endure them, then? That too is
unanswered. The organism itself does not exist either, and this is a
non-existent ontological game between two non-existent things, and life is the
thing that calls this nothingness existence: a non-existent process, enacted by
non-existent entities, staging a non-existent drama, and then naming the whole
non-existent performance “existence” so it can keep going for a non-existent
time. Preparing for death is simply a smaller nothingness waiting to return to
this broader nothingness, which will result in nothing. I can deeply understand
what an old person feels when they snarl in panic, “This is the end of the
road!” and precisely for that reason, instead of comforting them, I would say
almost calmly, bordering on indifference: “Yes. Do not bother.”
―
Atrona Grizel
When I try to
explain myself to people, they frown and drift away. So I stop explaining
myself to them. But this time, they frown and drift away because I don’t
explain myself.
―
Atrona Grizel
The societal
status system rewards certainty, not accuracy. Those who think loudly are
ranked higher than those who think clearly, though deep rivers rarely flow
loudly…
―
Atrona Grizel
The inability to
deceive oneself is a terminal social disability, because ordinary social life
is built on rapid forgetting and mutual blindness. Exist honestly and be
excluded, or belong by self-betrayal.
―
Atrona Grizel
At times I
imagine entering a kind of coma in which all communication with the outside
world would be severed, while my receptors would remain intact. I could hear
the outside world within my mind, yet I would be unable to express what I hear,
because my body would be rigid. In this state, I would renounce the concepts of
“responsibility” and “duty” in the most absolute sense. Beyond that, there
would be nothing they could do to me, because I would not even be present
before them. They would not be able to reach me. Only my body would remain in
the world, and whatever they did to it would not matter to me.
―
Atrona Grizel
Psychiatry was
openly abused in autocratic regimes, for example the diagnosis of “sluggish
schizophrenia” in the Soviet Union. It was affixed almost like a nickname to
those who harbored thoughts against the regime, and they were sent to mental
hospitals. Yet in a sense even those persecuted dissidents were lucky, because
even if it was concealed by propaganda, there was a clear enemy in front of
them. Today, however, this practice has spread across all states, so there is
no longer such a visible enemy. Bureaucracy itself has become the enemy, and as
a result, the individual no longer even knows what they are fighting against.
This produces people who cannot point and say, “This hurt,” only “Something is
wrong.” The sharp increase in suicides compared to the past likely has
something to do with modern life being a kind of black stain that has merged
with a mask so white it cannot be proven as such.
―
Atrona Grizel
Followers on the
internet are mostly simple numbers. Increasing that number by focusing on
whatever is currently trending is not merely easy but almost automatic, because
even though there might be real people behind the numbers, their interests are
predictable to a degree that reduces them to algorithms.
― Atrona Grizel