Why do I not abandon the world? Because I have an inner world.

 Why do I not abandon the world? Because I have an inner world. It keeps me here. Its pull is so strong that it surpasses any attachment I feel toward human relationships. I almost ask, in a parental way, “What would happen to it if I left?” And it is for that reason alone that I remain. Instead of destroying myself, I created something and replaced the reality I am disillusioned with by it. Others need other people to keep life going, while I need only myself. Since nothing can tear me away from what I am attached to, because what I am attached to is myself, I become a survival mechanism that sees no reason or impulse for bodily suicide. If I were to leave, it would be absolute, because my despair is not acute but chronic, and that is what makes it feel natural. In other words, my act would not be the result of a simple “emotional fluctuation” but a decision made with absolute certainty and, thus, irreversibility.