When it is understood that there is no transcendence, and when no effort is made to be transcendent, one ends up being transcended.
When it is understood that there is no transcendence, and when no effort is made to be transcendent, one ends up being transcended.
―
Atrona Grizel
If I attempt
suicide, they will lock me in a cell, that is, again under surveillance, again
among people, and this will only increase my desire for suicide, and they will
not understand this. All I actually need is a long vacation… not in seaside
hotels with parties, but alone in wooden cabins in nature, completely far from
cities. But of course no one will provide this. And this only shows that they
do not actually care about me, because if those who lock me in a cell truly
cared about my well-being, they would not hesitate to spend money.
―
Atrona Grizel
To hide and to
refrain from revealing are not the same. I rarely lie; yet there are many
things I deliberately do not speak about—and that does not mean I conceal them.
I simply don’t mention them.
―
Atrona Grizel
I love like a
child… did you know that? I trust very quickly… I love very quickly… yes, me. I
trust very quickly and I love very quickly. But someone who reads my writings
would probably think I am a cold, emotionless person with a heart of stone. I
am not. I was simply made to the point of disgust by the world because of this
excessive good temperament, and now I open it only to myself. I try to be
pessimistic so that I keep my distance from people and do not become attached
to them immediately, but even to someone who does me the slightest kindness,
something as simple as greeting me, I become emotionally attached and I never
forget them.
―
Atrona Grizel
I carry emotions
like resentment and anger in abundance within me because I was neglected
throughout my life. But since they were never expressed outwardly, they
fossilized, losing their reactivity. And if someone real were finally to touch
me, it would be painful, because these feelings that I declared untouchable and
placed in quarantine would be triggered and would begin to spread, like viruses
released by melting glaciers. Because, quite rightly, I will ask this: “Where
have you been all this time?” Because accepting the existence of such
high-quality people would drag me into a dangerous pain, and no ascetic or
nihilistic philosophy of mine could prevent my soul from feeling this in its
deepest depths: that I wasted the most beautiful years of my life without
beautiful people.
―
Atrona Grizel
I have always
wondered how people can get married. For one reason only: can they not see
their own stupidity? How can they become so attached to a single person? For
this, one must be either unconscious or consciously blind.
―
Atrona Grizel
I must confess
that I always waited for a helping hand. For example, at school I constantly
imagined that a different teacher would notice my difference and enter into a
relationship with me. I held onto these fantasies for a very long time. Even
when a teacher simply looked at me, I searched for deep meanings in it and felt
happy, thinking they might have understood me. But no one ever came. And later
I learned that society is designed to separate lives from one another. When I
was a child, I did not draw much distinction between my family and strangers,
because I thought and felt in an inclusive and universal way. There were even
naïve times when I imagined the whole world as one family and cried over it.
Because I had not yet seen the world. I did not yet know what kind of disgrace
it was in. For instance, I did not know that the expression “to enter someone’s
life” existed. Because that phrase reveals the separation of lives. In their
natural state, people are strangers to one another, and accordingly they do not
care even if the other dies. To make them care, you must enter into a
relationship with them. This is why there are all those phases of meeting or
“first dinners.” This is the mentality of society. No one thinks or feels about
someone outside their social circle, and those who act as if they do are
clearly hypocrites. This meant that the teachers I naïvely dreamed about would
only teach their lessons and then… simply leave. Why would they care about me?
I was just a shadow they would never see again once school was over. The
mistake was not that they did nothing, but that I expected them to do
something—at least, this is the conclusion I reached with the time I spent in
the world. In other words, society shamed me out of my dreams. And in the end,
I suspended these dreams and threw away my hope that someone would care about me.
I slammed the door so hard that the building thought there was an earthquake.
―
Atrona Grizel
I carry a very
old resentment within me, and it causes me to distance myself the moment people
approach, not out of reactive anger but out of a structural disappointment. At
its root lies deprivation. I would see happy families and happy couples in the
streets, while I watched this joy they were living in real time through the
windows of a capsule, sitting in a car full of people who did not understand
me. I envied them, and I felt as if the whole of society was coming at me like
an enemy. I had been deprived of love, and as if this deprivation were my
fault, I was being deprived even more. My sexual hunger was very high in the
years when I first encountered my gender, and it even caused me to spend
sleepless nights filled with rage. Because, as every lonely and self-hating
young person feels, I sensed that my fate was to live by watching those who
were actually living. My peers passed by me laughing. In fact, they did not
even do that, because to them I did not exist. I was like glass, and when they
looked at me, they were not looking at me but at the other side through me, as
if I were something transparent. These feelings later evolved into thousands of
different forms, becoming the source of a feeling that would even reach a sense
of godhood. They were so intense that there were times when I would lie down
and cry for hours, feeling as if I were about to lose my mind. Yet none of
these feelings were reflected to anyone. Everything was happening on my own.
Because there was no one. A crying baby learns that crying is useless when it
does not get a pacifier and stops, and I too abandoned these moments in myself.
But not by “healing,” rather by mutating. In the middle of my adolescence,
something happened and I felt radical changes within myself, like an inner
separation from all of humanity. This was the beginning of my life in
existential exile. Who exiled me? Only me. But the truth is that everyone
caused me to do this. After this happened, I did not destroy my human identity,
but I prevented myself from being it. I evolved toward a different creature,
toward a being separate from humans. I built such a new self over my old self,
as if changing a worn-out garment, that the old one was crushed and destroyed
beneath it.
―
Atrona Grizel
Things embraced
by the majority are almost automatically subjected to suspicion in my mind,
accepted as wrong, and provoke an obsessive observation that seeks to exploit
some obvious flaw it can catch in order to neutralize them instantly.
―
Atrona Grizel
There are animated films that depict businesspeople as boring types carrying gray suitcases, and that feature a sensitive, different child who observes them, trying to convey a message of social criticism. When I used to watch these, I would become emotional and cry, thinking that I was like that child. But later I learned this painful reality: those businesspeople portrayed as “gray and boring” in the animation are precisely the people who make money by producing such animations. The people who claim to criticize technological dependence are, in fact, internet natives who communicate using words like “bro,” “wtf,” “idk,” “jk,” “rn.” The reason such films become famous is precisely that they are adapted to the dominant societal language. Just as a person whose different thoughts are not labeled “weird” will not be liked by the masses, these films would not be liked either if they were openly made in a way that truly accused humanity as a whole. Instead, these films emerge from within society, and their so-called social critique is directed at themselves, because even in such a dystopian theme there is a persistent “we” motif. Yet society is absolutely devoid of genuine self-critique.
― Atrona Grizel
I wish I could see humans as humans, because this much ugliness is excessive. But I cannot. My mind sees them in another way, as lower beings, as behavioral structures rather than interior souls, because all the personal truths I have acquired almost force this view upon me. I wish I could feel the happiness of people who experience happy moments as happiness, and be happy with them… but even in that moment I sense something wrong, the wrongness of society. And because of this, even a child playing becomes, in my eyes, not a symbol of sincerity but simply a symbol of the period before assimilation. I wish I could see the world as alive…
―
Atrona Grizel
Japan’s
imperialism did not end in 1945; it only changed form. What was a rifle before
that year became literature afterward, and thus Japan began to conquer the
world not through invasions but through anime. The only difference is that the
first was openly expansionist, while the second is presented as “just a means
of entertainment.”
―
Atrona Grizel
I recognize no
social rules, yet I do not engage in actions like vomiting on others or
stealing their belongings. Because I live inside, not outside, and thus the
vomitings and thefts occur not physically but inwardly.
― Atrona Grizel
Just as a person can barely survive for 10 days without eating, I cannot survive even 10 seconds without thinking.
―
Atrona Grizel
Intellect is not
only the ability to see what is unseen; sometimes it is also the ability not to
see what is seen.
― Atrona Grizel