Society determines the “level of adulthood” according to the ability to play roles.
Society determines the “level of adulthood” according to the ability to play roles.
―
Atrona Grizel
I have the
internet in my hands, which means I can see any place I want within a few
seconds. Others perceive these as simple photographs and videos, but when a
person’s imagination is immense and this is their only lifeline, those
photographs and videos cease to be merely “photographs” or “videos” and turn
into comprehensive scenarios, and the person’s brain accepts them as memories
and stores them in its memory.
―
Atrona Grizel
Like the Soviet
flag waving over the Reichstag, I planted my own flag in the heart of my inner
terror. Yet it is still trying to overthrow me. It is still trying to seize me.
Because it is not even aware that I have seized it. This resembles a cat being stepped
on, desperately flailing and clawing at my foot.
―
Atrona Grizel
There is no such
thing as a delusion, because what is real for one person is simply real. There
is no ontological basis for one reality to be superior to another, since even
what is perceived as a delusion is viewed from yet another perspective, which
can also be considered a delusion in its own right. However, from this
perspective, calling another reality a delusion is also real, in its own way.
In other words, there is no such thing as a delusion, but even if one were to
claim there is, the person making this claim does not become delusional. After
all, there are no “false realities.”
―
Atrona Grizel
When the United
States declared, “Gorbachev, tear down this wall,” it was calling for the
destruction of the barrier that had kept the Western world’s poisons outside so
the virus could enter and commercialize the raw beauty of Eastern Europe. At
that time, two worlds existed, and therefore two mentalities: one saw the Wall
as purification, the other as oppression. Neither view was true. Yet when the
East collapsed, the entire context became dominated by a Western mindset, and
the fall of the wall in 1989 was interpreted not as a violation but as
liberation. Even the East German citizens who protested were actually
influenced by the West. Were they not acting under the sway of its slogans of
freedom and peace? They revolted because they envied the West, which by the
1980s had begun to monopolize the world both culturally and mentally. The failure
of the East stemmed less from oppression and poverty than from the
impossibility of its circumstances: the United States is surrounded by open
coasts, blessed with fertile lands, and protected from major battlefields by
isolated geography. The Soviet Union, on the other hand, existed in cold
climates with harsh soil, confined to the land, vulnerable to hostile
neighbours, and despite this managed to challenge the United States. Yet the
Soviet system was destined to be short-lived, because its ideology isolated it
from the rest of the world and made an ideology-free diplomacy impossible. Even
once that ideology began to decay, it permeated the system’s deepest layers so
thoroughly that radical reform was impossible. When Gorbachev attempted to
liberalize a closed empire, it was like opening a dam: once the barrier was
lifted, the overwhelming rush of water made collapse inevitable. The West
capitalized on this moment. Its weapon was never open warfare but cultural
assimilation, agitating societies to install pro-Western governments and thus
seizing influence indirectly. In the end, even the most authoritarian regimes
could not evade this process of Americanization, deceptively seen as a haven of
prosperity.
―
Atrona Grizel
None of the texts
I post on the internet are cared about, because there isn’t even anyone who
would care. Yet they still give some reactive responses in a pattern: if the
text I post is short, it’s usually read, and they comment with things like
“That’s nice,” because they have no tolerance for longer and more complex
writing. If the text I post is personal and I talk about myself, for example,
if I say, “I’m different on the outside and different on the inside,” they
either make fun of it or give “advice” that implies I’m flawed, such as “You
basically have depression” and “You should try going out and smiling,” but they
don’t even bother to mean what they say. If the text I post is neither of those
and is instead quite long and complex, meaning poetic and philosophical, then
it is almost never read; they settle for sending simple “hearts” because they
don’t have the capacity to read it, and they only do that so the comment stays
on their profiles and they can walk around pretending to be “deep” people who
value “depth.” Once, under a post where I wrote that everyone on the internet
was overly optimistic and that this was toxic, someone commented that I “could
try a therapist.” It didn’t end there; several more comments began to flow in
one after another. So to silence them, I edited my post and turned it into a
deep philosophical essay about how human nature is something artificial and not
real. The comments suddenly stopped. No one wrote anything more under that
post. Because they can’t.
―
Atrona Grizel
A good reader
rarely reads the prefaces and epilogues pasted into a book by the publisher,
because they have nothing to do with the book’s author. They function more as a
“presentation to the public,” and this is especially insulting for books that
appeal only to a minority. If my writings were published, they would almost
certainly have to add warnings like “There is no hate speech here but only
philosophical rivalry” or “This book is a young person’s private metaphysical
philosophy and is not recommended for general application.” Because anything
presented to the public must be made “acceptable”; the further something strays
from the norm, the more alarming it becomes in their eyes. Yet these “warnings”
have nothing to do with my ideas, and by placing themselves between reader and
author, they assume a right to influence the mind and shape its thoughts,
although they certainly do not. When I do it, they condemn it for
“propagandism”; when they do it, they justify it as a “safety measure.”
―
Atrona Grizel
I don’t
understand why being pushed out by society leads to negative feelings. Why are
they so attached to society? Why do they want to remain dependent on it? What
do they find in people who do nothing but want to harm them, and why don’t they
transcend the social biology that is the only thing making them inclined toward
this? When in fact, this is a badge to be worn with pride if the situation is
not seen as an “indicator of inadequacy” but rather as society being pushed out
of the individual, just as society has pushed the individual out. When I began
my eternal exile from humanity, the classic reaction people wanted and
expected, namely sadness and anger, did not arise in me. I can be profoundly
happy even when I am completely alone, and this confuses a society that cannot
even imagine this.
―
Atrona Grizel
Imagining myself
as a phone lost in the depths of a bag in an environment where there is a crowd
and loud music and everyone is having fun somehow feels very comforting to me.
It is as if I am in the middle of everyone, yet in a place no one can reach,
and from there I listen to the song outside, which reaches my ears in a muffled
way and leaves an almost fairy-tale, dreamlike effect.
―
Atrona Grizel
I will not be
with a woman who wears even the slightest bit of makeup. In other words, with
virtually none of them.
―
Atrona Grizel
Living tied to
rewards, expecting something in return immediately when something is done,
traps a person in infancy. “Time to relax after hard work” seems to me more
like a sedative than something that develops a person. Because the reward
mechanism is a conditioning technique that exploits the brain’s weakness, and
no one conditioned to anything external can be cognitively independent. One
should be able to feel rewarded even without any actual reward, and if they cannot,
then no reward can save them.
―
Atrona Grizel
I can laugh only
with the one who does not laugh.
―
Atrona Grizel
If everyone were
looking at me, watching me, instead of taking pride and saying, “Finally, they
noticed me,” I would become uneasy and think, “Did I do something wrong?”
Because I have always been treated as an object that is only addressed to teach
me a “lesson” when I disturb others.
―
Atrona Grizel
I analyze
everything constantly because I don’t feel safe anywhere. Because I don’t
trust. But that is precisely what makes my brain operate at a high level. If my
sense of trust had developed, I would feel safe and relaxed, and then perhaps I
would not even feel the need to swim inside calculation in this way, therefore
becoming less advanced intellectually.
―
Atrona Grizel
I am sending
signals from the ocean floor to the surface. But those on the surface do not
understand them, because the immense mass of water between us distorts them.
They do not even know how to breathe in water, since they have never seen the
depths, and this leads them to misinterpret the few signals they receive.
―
Atrona Grizel
No one asks why I
never speak; even the few who do ask do so not with genuine interest but with
reactive curiosity. So in fact, no one even cares. Then why should I open my
mouth?
―
Atrona Grizel
I can order
others to do something I myself do not do, and that does not make it unjust.
For example, even if I do not read books, I can pressure a child to read many
books, because that child reaches self-sufficiency only when they develop on
their own, without remaining dependent on “adult examples.” In other words, if
a child does something only because they see others doing it and would not do
it if they did not see it, that child is not developing. Nothing can truly be
taught to a child through being an “example”; in reality, you only indoctrinate
them.
―
Atrona Grizel
Saturday or
Sunday mornings, at a very early hour, might be the closest one can get in a
city to a post-apocalyptic sense of calm, because only when societal structures
ease can a lucid soul finally, perhaps for the first time, breathe genuinely.
At such times, even though the air is bright enough, there is no one around,
which feels abnormal, since daylight is usually accompanied by inevitable
noise. Especially when I wake up after a sleepless night, and when the sky is
overcast, particularly if it is raining, I experience in reality what
surrealism truly is: waking up to a day without people, even though this should
be impossible. There is no movement anywhere. All sources of noise seem to have
been removed. Only the rustling of the wind can be heard, and perhaps the sound
of raindrops falling. I could keep myself alive for another week just to
obsessively experience this feeling again and again, because at such times what
is called a liminal space seems to take over the entire world. In this moment
of standing on the threshold of everything, my sense of self reaches an extreme
freedom, and I feel a deep sense of self-affirmation. Because my inner world,
almost unbelievably, finally aligns with the external world. And so I realize
this: only when humans cease to exist does my true core become revealed.
―
Atrona Grizel
I am the only
consciousness on the entire planet, yet I am trapped among these beings called
humans, who seem to exist merely to occupy space and make my breath shallow.
They give me nothing, yet demand everything from me, and if I do not obey, I
would not even survive, because I was born already trapped within civilization.
While I had only just fallen into existence, I was born inside bureaucracy, so
a name was immediately assigned to me, and official state documents were
produced under this name. Thus, I was legally imprisoned within society. Yet
they had deceived themselves by claiming that I too was a “human.” I was never one
of them. No one ever asked me, “Do you want to live among us?” and in any case
such a question could not have been asked, because those who brought me into
the world were themselves trapped in the world of civilization by invisible
chains. Naturally, my fate was determined at the very moment of my birth: to
spend an entire lifetime inside the cage of humanity. Therefore, every single
second I spend with humans requires me, in some way, to suppress myself, even
when I am alone, because I still physically live within humanity’s order. That
is why I will never truly be myself in a world that has not been cleansed of
humans. And that will never happen, which means I will never meet my actual
self, because there are radical differences between a human born among humans
within a broader humanity and a human born after the death of all other humans
and the collapse of humanity. I wish… I wish they would all suddenly disappear.
I would not be unhappy. Even if years passed, I would feel no longing. Even if
I became bored, I would never miss humans for entertainment. I am not saying
this out of hatred; I am simply so fed up that even the slightest decrease in
their presence brings me intense happiness, and my inner world organizes feasts
and festivals, as if it were waiting for this to happen all the time. How will
this many unnecessary creatures ever be filtered out?
―
Atrona Grizel
Why do others
exist at all? There is no satisfactory answer to this. Therefore, their
existence is not legitimate, and I will not pretend to recognize them as valid
beings either. Others are outlaws.
― Atrona Grizel