My feelings tell me that utopia is a dystopia, and dystopia is a utopia.
My feelings tell me that utopia is a dystopia, and dystopia is a utopia.
―
Atrona Grizel
I am not very
worried about the possibility that my writings might be stolen—after all, once
it became possible to make an artificial intelligence write an entire page with
just a few keystrokes, what is there left to steal? I will still know that my
writings are out of my own pencil, and that is enough—even if I am the only one
who knows.
―
Atrona Grizel
At the root of
the formation of the state lies the increase in the number of people. Quite
simply, as humans became more complex, they needed a more complex structure,
and so the state emerged. In periods when the world’s population had not
exceeded millions, there were virtually no states, and this is the reason.
Humanity’s expansion and spread across the planet has turned everywhere into a
state, and thus not a single piece of land that is truly stateless remains.
Without the disappearance of the state, the individual cannot be free in the
external world, because as long as the state exists, the physical world cannot
be one’s own. by the state. A worker and a rich person both live in the same world
of the same state, not in their own worlds. If a person is shaped according to
the society into which they are born, this is only because the state shapes
that society and, through it, shapes the individual as well, meaning there is
an almost mechanical process of assimilation. The state may appear libertarian,
but since the very word “state” essentially means imprisonment, such a state
does not exist. But for the state to disappear, a thinning of the human
population is necessary. What does this show? Not that genocide is required,
but that humanity is existentially flawed.
―
Atrona Grizel
The very lack of
meaning is itself inevitably a meaning. Those who see emptiness as emptiness,
who perceive things as they are, view everything stripped of mystery. Yet when
one looks with care, even a single pen carries a mystical charm.
―
Atrona Grizel
I put on my
headphones and start to cry. Every melody is an embrace, every lyric a kiss…
Human conversation can’t replace this, can’t even approach it, for humanity is
estranged from the abstract. But how bitter it is, each time, to take off the
headphones and be kicked back among those creatures, left entirely alienated
once more. Thus, melodies and lyrics are replaced by the sounds of vehicle
horns and shouting human echoes…
―
Atrona Grizel
When I keep in
mind the fact that human beings are nothing more than meat, the world—and even
all of existence—appears necessarily lifeless, even if it were conscious. I am
an animal, that is to say, by virtue of my biological nature, an automaton
governed by certain codes. The others are the same. Everyone is. Therefore,
when I look at another, I look at no one. And when they look at me, they look
at no one either. Because there is no one at all. Only tiny puppets, imprisoned
in flesh, imagining they control it just to make their programmed lives
bearable.
―
Atrona Grizel
An usual mind
feels horror at the sight of organs bursting out of the body; my mind, however,
feels the same horror even when they remain inside—because every second I feel
that my skin is nothing but a sheath hiding the animality within.
―
Atrona Grizel
If there had ever
been a real person in my life, I suppose they would have remained completely
silent before me—an eternal silence that mocks even the slightest babbling and
whining by its mere existence. No “healing,” no “growth,” no “correction,” no
“omniscience,” no “to-do list”…
―
Atrona Grizel
Thinking that
people even raise cats in comfort, I thought to myself, “Then they’ll probably
feed me too.” But after spending an entire day on the street, completely
invisible, I realized I had been foolish to believe in outward appearances.
―
Atrona Grizel
I don’t have the
luxury of being tolerant, for showing tolerance would mean betraying my inner
self. Because, for me, it isn’t a background spectator like it is for everyone
else, but the performer on the stage.
―
Atrona Grizel
No work has any
value anymore, because creating has been made absurdly easy. Yet ease brings
not more ease, but idleness, shallowness, and numbness: even those unfit to
create keep laying eggs endlessly now.
―
Atrona Grizel
Sometimes I feel
like a plant that has grown out of excrement—the feces is humanity, and the
sprouting branch is my inner world.
―
Atrona Grizel
When I’m among
people, there isn’t a single moment when I laugh; when I’m alone, there isn’t a
single moment when I don’t.
―
Atrona Grizel
In the past, I
used to think I carried an “undiscovered depth,” and that thought made me happy
because I dreamed that one day someone would finally understand and celebrate
me. But the more time I spent among humans, my thoughts turned sharp and began
cutting through illusions one by one, and thus I began to feel genuine worry
about this depth. Not an inner worry, not “I am unworthy,” but more about how
someone as noble as I could survive in such a deplorable society. I learned
that people, as if by design, are fundamentally hostile to depth. What I feel
now is no longer bliss for my depth, but the need to hide it paranoically to
prevent it from being corrupted. Because now I know this: if society discovers
my depth, it will not see depth itself, but only a “potential” to convert into
productivity and exploit. When “misunderstood geniuses” end their own lives,
the average person reacts, “What a great potential wasted.” This is because
they see such individuals not as universes each carrying their own realities,
but as machines designed to contribute to “progress,” or at least they imply
it. A person who utters such words seems to serve society itself. They act as
if they own humanity. Why should what happens in the world concern them so
deeply? It actually doesn’t; they are simply blind to the values they carry. A
secret they will never know is this: those “misunderstood geniuses” are
precisely more likely to commit that final act because people can respond in no
more than this narrow way: “They wasted their potential.” Am I the only one who
sees that by making it fundamentally impossible for their potentials to be
turned into mere “potential,” they are, in effect, slapping civilization in the
face?
―
Atrona Grizel
Unless when one
becomes desensitized to taste or even to quality because of the intensity of
hunger, every meal eaten feels like a waste to me. For if I can afford to
prefer what I eat, which means having the energy to refuse certain foods, it
means I am not truly hungry.
―
Atrona Grizel
I do not like the
conventional sense of inward freedom. A star’s loosening unravels it, leading
inevitably to its explosion, scattering its matter and bringing about its
destruction. Because of this, I prefer inward martial law—like being the
emperor of my own empire. And thus, I am the most free of all. For the more
dictatorial a mind is toward its own “people,” the more truly liberated it
becomes within. Nothing could be more perverse and humiliating than introducing
democracy into a place that is entirely mine, for the only genuine freedom in
one’s inner world is absolute self-governance with no outsider interference—or,
in other words, “mental totalitarianism.”
―
Atrona Grizel
I have always
writhed not in torture, but in forgottenness and disconnection. I do not live
in a nightmare, but in a flat, colorless machine. And this machine contains
nothing. There is so much nothing that I even long for a nightmare as a form of
stimulus.
―
Atrona Grizel
True nihilism is
not believing even in nihilism itself. When even this all-devouring concept is
seen as an excess in itself, one passes beyond the existence of nothingness,
and thus even emptiness ceases to remain.
―
Atrona Grizel
Even while
grieving, I secretly feel joy, because I know that peculiar sensation—the joy
that sorrow brings—known only to those whose artistic gaze encourages a deep
celebration of being.
―
Atrona Grizel
I possess not
calmness but solidity under pressure. For the sake of that solidity, I trigger
an inner panic, and thus, in a state akin to mobilization, my entire inner
world seems as if it’s trying to hold me up with its hands—because if it
withdrew, I would instantly collapse. Still, I remain standing. If I had stayed
calm in battle, I would have already fallen, for I would not have seen it as
something to fight.
― Atrona Grizel