I think even this single thing is enough to explain the state I’m in: instead of going on vacation to rest, I dream of going to prison.
I think even this single thing is enough to explain the state I’m in: instead of going on vacation to rest, I dream of going to prison.
―
Atrona Grizel
I feel like I’m
going mad in proportion to the amount of time I spend in the physical world.
Everything starts to feel colorless and bland. I feel an utter need to peel
away from all this into a different reality, and honestly, this is the only way
I can live. That is, setting aside all my “responsibilities” and discovering
pictures that open onto other worlds, reading stories, and through them almost
forgetting this world altogether. This gives me such pleasure that there are
times I feel as if I might lose my mind, because it offers me something this
world never can: alternative reality. Here there is only one time, one place,
one life, but in literature millions are possible. The tyranny of singular
reality effectively ends in imagination, because possibility takes the place of
actuality, and so, possibility becomes the new and only actuality. And if a
person has a tendency toward fantasy, then they can become so absorbed in these
worlds that the outside world fades entirely into the background. After reading
a gripping story, especially if I’ve read it in seclusion, meaning I’m not
forced to immediately mix with people and forget it once I finish as a kind of
“social reset,” its effect lasts for days. Inside my room, in an almost magical
way, I continue to live mentally within the story I’ve read. If my entire day
passes in seclusion, this becomes even more pleasurable, because I can spend
the whole day daydreaming, and even when night comes and I fall asleep, I can
continue seeing it in my dreams. In this way I can merge with that story,
shifting my sense of self from the dull human world into a majestic, aesthetic
one. It seems to me that if I were living under complete conditions of seclusion,
meaning I didn’t see anyone at all for 24 hours a day, I would reach the point
of having hallucinations. And this would not so much mean “losing touch with
reality” as it would mean the inner world attaining total dominance, in other
words, “being excessively attached to reality.”
―
Atrona Grizel
There was a long
intermediate phase in my evolution. In its early years, I still wanted
connection, still felt envy at times, and still felt the ache of exclusion.
Loneliness hurt deeply, and I could not sleep at night due to rage and
frustration. But it did not lead to self-destruction or impulsivity, because I
was already doubting that what I see simply does not register in the outer
world by structure. And so I let those desires burn slowly on their own,
overexposing myself to constant misattunement to such an extent that alienation
became the new habitat. This meant I passed the stage of waiting for anyone to
come. Because if I hadn’t, I could have acted upon the pain I felt during my
early experiences of utter isolation. And so I didn’t collapse, but human
connection became a childhood memory I barely remember. Now people see my
current self: cold, contained, harsh, and judgmental. Because I had to be. And
it is, again, others’ disgrace that someone like me had to become this way.
―
Atrona Grizel
There is always
this feeling inside me: that I produced all this philosophy and art simply
because I was unloved and misunderstood, that so much developed to such an
extreme merely because these two basic needs of mine were never met. My mind
found its home in abstraction, and if I had been loved and understood, I could
not have carried such a vast mind, because I would not have needed to
constantly construct different realities and take refuge in them, and therefore
I would not have used my mind to such an excessive extent.
―
Atrona Grizel
The seller and
the customer relate to each other only through money and because of money, and
they never develop any deep human interest in each other’s lives. This is one
of the effects of what Marxists call “commodity fetishism”: social relations
between people are mediated and obscured by commodities, producing a
materialist automatism in which individuals interact as functions of exchange
rather than as human beings. Under such conditions, how could one not feel a
deep spiritual shame in simply shopping at any marketplace?
―
Atrona Grizel
When I find
myself overly sad, I cannot help but feel arrogant about it. That is why I
immediately think of those who carry the worst illnesses, those with the most
painful disabilities, those living under the harshest conditions. For example,
people born with severe congenital impairments, those living with heart
disease, or those exploited in torture chambers. Because of this, my sadness cannot
remain permanent, and if it does manage to remain, that makes me happy, because
it feels like an achievement to me. And naturally, I end up taking pleasure in
my sadness.
―
Atrona Grizel
A person should
know how not to feel ashamed of their own suffering, even while knowing that
there are others who suffer more. Pain does not require authority.
―
Atrona Grizel
A social circle
does not “open” a person up; it loosens them. One becomes a slippery type who
throws themselves into absurd adventures merely for entertainment. Because
people do not know how to think individually, being part of a group causes
their identity to fuse with that group, and consequently they become capable of
doing anything for it. This is also what traps friends within one another, because
they are mutually dependent. Under this influence, they reach such extremes
that they sink into animality and still perceive it as a joke, braying with
laughter in front of everyone. Late at night, when the surroundings are silent
and I am exploring the darker layers of the internet, I repeatedly encounter
the ugliest faces of these friend groups and stare at what I find on the screen
each time with grim fascination. Among them are those who physically torture a
person to death, laughing together and mocking them for entertainment. There
are also those who rape babies, record it on camera, and smile at the lens with
“happy poses” while doing so, because they are incapable of recognizing anyone
outside their group as human, as someone who has a soul as well. This frightens
me, because even those who have “innocent” friendships are, at their core,
under the influence of the same mechanism: shared reality. Only the decoration
differs. In most friendships this results in stupidity and superficiality, while
in others it can escalate into acts of inhumanity. Criminal gangs or cartel
groups are clear examples of this. If someone dares to be my friend, they must
be prepared to revise the definition of “friendship” from its very roots,
because the disturbing truth is this: these gangs and cartels share the same
structure with ordinary friendships. A person who starts smoking for their
friends might also eventually end up torturing people for their friends,
because both arise from the same group-oriented mindset. This situation shows,
in a sense, that a person who starts smoking due to peer pressure is the same
as a person who, again due to peer pressure, becomes involved in dirty acts
such as murder and trafficking.
―
Atrona Grizel
A person is
openly a slave of the social structure, yet seeing and accepting this openly
is, of course, difficult. Consequently, many people align their minds with the
mentality of society and thus suspend them, stopping their thinking, because
they believe that by doing so they will prevent pain. For example, a person may
view acquiring a job not as a burden but as “standing on their own feet” and
count it as an “achievement.” Or a person may view compulsory military service
not as inhumane but as a “discipline lesson that teaches the necessity of
obedience” and count it as a “benefit.” The main point I want to draw attention
to is that regardless of what one thinks about them, both a job and military
service are generally compulsory. That is to say, even if they held opposing
views about them, they would still be forced to do them anyway. They would
still acquire a job, and they would still go to the army even though they do
not like it. This means that the person who does not think does not even
possess a life, because they sell themselves to society by believing that this
is what living is. The thinking person, on the other hand, must be like a
double-lived animal: outwardly so-called “compliant,” while inside, an agent
who continues their true life.
―
Atrona Grizel
I wanted to
escape… I wanted it very much… to escape and never return. To leave everything
as it is, to abandon and forget everything without touching a single thing, as
if I were a passenger who had already been waiting to depart. At night I always
imagine it: while the city sleeps and everything is quiet, wings suddenly grow
from my back like a fairy’s, and I glide out through the window and fly into
the sky, leaving all of this behind and never dealing with humanity again. Even
the most innocent-looking social things awaken deep pain in me, because I do
not share a common reality with society, and consequently I experience all of
this merely because, despite everything, I am forced to live within society,
since I do not have wings and never will. How did I come to feel things to this
point? I don’t know. There was no single “main” event, only an infinite number
of small and indirect assaults. Sometimes it all feels like a dream, or rather
most of the time. And not in a metaphorical sense, it truly feels like a dream.
And I want to forget even this by growing wings and flying away. But that will
not happen. And no one should expect me to love a body so nailed to the ground
that it cannot lift me into the sky. Besides… if I did fly into the sky, this
time I would complain about feeling trapped in the atmosphere, unable to escape
into space. And if I could reach space, then the prison would become existence
itself… which it already is. It always is.
―
Atrona Grizel
What disgusts me
about so-called “voluntary” pedophilia is not that it is “ethically wrong,” but
simply this: a child may want to use a gun out of curiosity…
― Atrona Grizel