I can see that I am blind.
I can see that I am blind.
―
Atrona Grizel
I do not have a
name. I only have a symbolic name that stands in place of a name. Because the
abyss can never be given a name. It can only be given titles and epithets… and
it swallows even those. They all remain umbrella terms.
―
Atrona Grizel
I fed my
consciousness constantly and let it grow, and when it grew, it turned into a
monster. Now it devours everything into its stomach, never to be satiated.
―
Atrona Grizel
I am not saddened
by being alone, but by the fact that my capacity for connection was never met.
I do not grieve over having no friends; I grieve for the friends who never had
me. They were so distant and unknown that they do not even feel my absence, and
therefore never realize how absent they have become. This is what I mourn.
―
Atrona Grizel
Liberal
individualism and aristocratic individualism are different. One is alienating,
emptying, superficial, and materialistic; the other is integrative, deepening,
sophisticated, and spiritual. One annihilates the individual by exaggerating
them excessively; the other replaces mere existence with the individual by
sanctifying them excessively. For this reason, what is meant when saying
“individualism” matters.
―
Atrona Grizel
I find girls who
wear closed clothing—by this I do not mean traditional garments like the
headscarf, but simply clothes that do not expose the skin—more attractive than
girls who show off in bikinis squeezed into tight clothes to emphasize their
slim bodies. Because in the former I sense the possibility of a soul; in the
latter there is only a body, like buying meat from a butcher.
―
Atrona Grizel
Nietzsche’s
collapse in 1889 when he embraced a horse, even if this event has not been
definitively proven, is entirely fitting. Even if it were a lie, I would still
choose to believe it, because it contains a great aesthetic. After all, someone
who built his philosophy against compassion loses his mind while showing
compassion… could there be anything more refined than that? This is… beautiful.
My own end could be like this as well: a collapse caused not by hardness but by
softness. Something not so grand, for example: a little girl who loves my
writings very much hugging me while giving me a thorny rose symbolizing the
pain given by love…
―
Atrona Grizel
When I look at
Theodore Kaczynski’s photograph where he is smiling at the camera, I feel as if
he is saying, referring to his independent cabin in nature where he cut all
ties with civilization, “Look. I made it. Why don’t you come too?”
―
Atrona Grizel
I have directed
my life so much inward that even if I could go outside now and do activities
there, for example, have a one-on-one meal with someone I love, I say, “Is this
even possible?” as if it were an existential violation of the law, because I do
not even know whether I am capable of living such things.
―
Atrona Grizel
If there were no
art and philosophy, existence would be a mistake—but they exist…
―
Atrona Grizel
Among people,
regardless of the situation, I am always there out of obligation. If it were up
to me, no one would have known me at all, because the moment I became
overwhelmed by civilization, I would have left.
―
Atrona Grizel
If I am hungry,
stealing bread is absolutely permissible in every circumstance, and I will
strive for it if I will not be caught, without feeling any hesitation. But if I
am the baker, then protecting my bread is also absolutely permissible in every
circumstance, and I will strive for that and punish those who attempt to steal.
In other words, moral rules are entirely under my control. I determine them.
They can change according to the situation if I wish, but at their core they
are always the same: an individualism that defends the supremacy of the
individual in every situation. This is not tyranny, but a radical freedom to
the degree of tyranny.
―
Atrona Grizel
In history
classes at educational institutions, the history of the country is generally
taught. Only that country’s history. An Indian, for example, does not learn the
history of the tribes in the Amazon rainforest, at least thoroughly. Why?
Because every state wants to instill its own selfhood into students who will
later become obedient citizens, and it wants to exploit them by making them
nationalist. Every country praises itself in its own history curriculum: the
enemy is savage, and they themselves, no matter what they did, fought for the
sake of “goodness,” and the reason they are known as evil abroad is because
they have been slandered. This logic is actually on the same line as North
Korea’s isolationist and paranoid logic, only not as openly systematic and
indoctrinating.
―
Atrona Grizel
Can a solitary person be a teacher? Even if they could, would it not seem inappropriate? Wouldn’t people ask why they are a teacher? Teaching requires sociability. A teacher usually becomes a teacher because they have a people-oriented nature, which requires them to be constantly surrounded by others, because this is the world to which they feel they belong. That is, morning, noon, evening, and night, there is always someone beside them, and periods of solitude last at most a few hours unless there are extraordinary circumstances. This suggests that they do not have time to think. And this suggests that they do not think, because one cannot truly think while among people; one can only pretend to think, since the focus is outward. Real thought emerges only when the focus is directed entirely inward. Those who think are mystics and hermits, not educators and teachers. An institutional teacher has an external identity because they lack an inner world. They tend to feel valuable by believing they teach something valuable; otherwise, they would not have reached that position. This means they believe in the mask and slogan that society is something “humanistic and rational,” and since such people are already adults, changing them is impossible; they will only dictate their own primitive views. A school is, for this reason, not a place for “thought” but merely a place for certification, just so that a person becomes formally literate on paper.
― Atrona Grizel
After an entire day spent holding myself back, I would finally let go and write like a madman when I returned to my noble solitude. But then this short time that had been set aside for me to listen for the next day would end again, and so I would once more wait for tomorrow with a narrow breath and a consciousness full of terror, restraining myself all day only to release the waters once more in the evening like opening the gates of a dam and flooding the whole city.
―
Atrona Grizel
I salute myself
with a military salute, as an old friend, as a general. Society does not accept
my soldierhood, but I do not care about that at all. I could have tried every
way to avoid military service, because I do not recognize society’s
understanding of soldiering. I am the militant of myself, not of society.
Joining an army would be an insult to my cause of soldiering, because this is
not a social but an individual form of warfare. And it is not against specific
nations but against the entire existence.
―
Atrona Grizel
If I were forced
to be a planet, it would be Jupiter in the entire observable universe. It is
the boss that creates the structure of the solar system created by the Sun. It
is among the first planets to have formed, one of the most ancient ones, and
therefore the most deep and experienced. It strongly influences the orbits.
Even within its own orbit, it is filled with Trojans that are almost like
guards separating the inner planets from the outer planets. Its magnetic field
is enormous. It pulls in and swallows asteroids in the solar system. By doing
so, it even indirectly protects Earth. But protection is not its intention. It
is also a tyrant. It is so immense that there are theories suggesting that over
vast timescales it could destabilize planetary orbits, even potentially
ejecting Mercury from the solar system. Jupiter is a planet just below the
level of a star. That is, the fire of a star almost burns in its soul. A body
compressed to such density without igniting fusion still creates tremendous
power. But no matter what its diameter is compared to stars, it is worth even
galaxies. This planet is a poem. An epic poem. The other planets cannot even be
poems, let alone a genre of poetry. Sometimes I wish the Earth would be pushed
into Jupiter and disappear among its gases so that it would understand what I
feel about it.
―
Atrona Grizel
Because I grew up
within noise, my ability to extract meaning from noise has developed. It is
like being a miner extracting gold in a mine covered with simple stone walls
and declaring a weekly festival whenever gold is found, no matter the amount.
―
Atrona Grizel
My main emotion
is a happy unhappiness, and it is clearly better than an unhappy happiness.
Long live the blissful slaves…
―
Atrona Grizel
The phrase “one
of the most important things” need not be said at all. Wherever I hear or read
this sentence, I fall into disappointment, because it is a statement that
promises to say something very valuable and yet never fulfills that promise.
Unless something is “the most important,” the “secondary important things” will
never interest me.
―
Atrona Grizel
One should carry
a gravity. Wherever they go, they should drag along a “climate.” This could be
fatigue, but not physical, existential fatigue. Or it could be hopelessness,
not social but cosmic hopelessness. Or just… a weight… which, like the previous
two examples, mostly comes from such reasons. But I cannot see such a “gravity”
in any person. They are so light that they do not feel their own weight, and thus
I consider them nonexistent. They are no different from air. I pass through air
simply by blowing. I do not try to touch it.
―
Atrona Grizel
Addressing people
by the titles they give themselves feels like an insult to me. Calling someone
who calls himself a general “my general” is shameful, because obedience is owed
to a person’s name. This situation shows itself in books, films, music, games,
objects, building names, street signs, and even country names. That is why,
when referring to a film, instead of saying its name, I say “that film.” It is
more independent.
― Atrona Grizel